I've been conflicted this week. I saw my mom for visitation & I have wondered for a while but I think she might be sick. Not like having cancer sick but maybe some kind of personality disorder. I've noticed for a long time how her moods change at the flip of a switch. It's never a small change either. It's always very happy or very angry or very sad. I guess a good way to put it would be that she has no grey area. She feels everything hardcore.
At Sunday visitation, we were talking about Easter. I was telling her my plans to try to make a great Easter for Vivi. & u know I have talked about my sister many times before with her. My mom's mood would usually change negatively but she would always say that her food was cold or that she was thinking about something stupid that the asshat said. But this time I know I heard her clearly. My question of 'isn't that a great idea?' was answered with a mumbled 'tiny pestilence'. (U can't mishear a word like 'pestilence'. Especially when u have attended a religious school your whole life.)
I looked at her & said, 'what was that?' She looked surprised for a second & gave me a very forced smile & said, 'I'm sorry. What was that last part, dear?'
I went on with our visitation like I hadn't heard it. I figured I should think about it. The more I do the more I'm sure. I was thinking of calling our visitation supervisor & asking her if she heard it too.
It's no secret that my mom doesn't like Holly. I don't know why. I always figured that it was some weird 'woman who is with your past guy' thing. (If u can call it that.) But what the hell could my mom have against a little girl? She's so cute & little & doesn't really make enemies yet. Stupid dramatic bullshit doesn't show up till later. So I don't know what to think. Is it b/c she's Holly's daughter? B/c that's some seriously fucked up logic. Vivi is also half my dad & my mom doesn't really seem to hold much against him except sometimes she doesn't agree with a courtroom choice in his favor. She always asks how he's doing & I always keep my answer short b/c I know my dad would like it if we didn't talk about him.
It's disturbing to think about somebody hating a toddler. Most of all my Vivi. Greatest little sister of all time.
Now I am asking myself if I want to keep up visitation or if I should try to talk to my mom first or what I should do. I started this as a boy who never had or knew about his real mom. After getting emotional permission from my dad & an ass ton of court proceedings later, we started bi weekly visitation. I wanted to know her. This elusive other half of my DNA. I'm not sure what I wanted to find & I'm still not sure.
My mom hasn't changed much over the years. She still forgets that I'm not four years old a lot. She's still extremely moody & sways like the wind blows. I call her mom for her sake. Not b/c it feels that way. I have humored her & tried my best for a lot of years to be a good son. I'll be 17 in August. By age 18 I'll be a legal adult & the courts won't be doing supervised visits anymore. At least I don't think so. The only thing they still enforce after age 18 is child support which my dad refused in court so it would all be my decision anyway. I know I've went back & forth on this before but what if I keep searching for something that I can't find? It's been years & the scarier shit is outweighing any benefit now that this involves Vivi.
Should I wait for that just to not involve the courts b/c it could get really messy? Or maybe it's smarter to involve the court b/c of mess control? If my mom does have something mentally wrong then maybe we'll need the court to help.
& if something is wrong I'll probably never know what exactly b/c my mom doesn't like to talk about her health or fixing her health or being accused of even having a cold. But what does that mean about me? I don't think mental illness is genetic but some behaviors are. Maybe this is why I've been so damn tired lately. My brain hurts from thinking so hard about it all week.
What do u guys think? Be honest. I need the real feedback.