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If I came up with a really hard contest how many of u guys would try it? If u would then comment on what would be a good prize. 

3 deviants said 'Depends. Knowing the weird shit u come up with it better be a damn good prize.'
1 deviant said 'Don't say the four letter w word. (Work) I'd sooner go cliffdiving before that.'
No deviants said 'Hell yeah! Challenge me!'
  • Mood: Uneasy
  • Listening to: 'Wait & Bleed' by Slipknot
Fuck. I am so behind on DA. I'm sorry guys. If it's not school then it's something else. I will get back in here. I have to. Even if school needs to end for the summer first (May 23). I'll get back here. U haven't seen the last of Justin. :pokeball:

I've been conflicted this week. I saw my mom for visitation & I have wondered for a while but I think she might be sick. Not like having cancer sick but maybe some kind of personality disorder. I've noticed for a long time how her moods change at the flip of a switch. It's never a small change either. It's always very happy or very angry or very sad. I guess a good way to put it would be that she has no grey area. She feels everything hardcore.

At Sunday visitation, we were talking about Easter. I was telling her my plans to try to make a great Easter for Vivi. & u know I have talked about my sister many times before with her. My mom's mood would usually change negatively but she would always say that her food was cold or that she was thinking about something stupid that the asshat said. But this time I know I heard her clearly. My question of 'isn't that a great idea?' was answered with a mumbled 'tiny pestilence'. (U can't mishear a word like 'pestilence'. Especially when u have attended a religious school your whole life.)

I looked at her & said, 'what was that?' She looked surprised for a second & gave me a very forced smile & said, 'I'm sorry. What was that last part, dear?'

I went on with our visitation like I hadn't heard it. I figured I should think about it. The more I do the more I'm sure. I was thinking of calling our visitation supervisor & asking her if she heard it too.

It's no secret that my mom doesn't like Holly. I don't know why. I always figured that it was some weird 'woman who is with your past guy' thing. (If u can call it that.) But what the hell could my mom have against a little girl? She's so cute & little & doesn't really make enemies yet. Stupid dramatic bullshit doesn't show up till later. So I don't know what to think. Is it b/c she's Holly's daughter? B/c that's some seriously fucked up logic. Vivi is also half my dad & my mom doesn't really seem to hold much against him except sometimes she doesn't agree with a courtroom choice in his favor. She always asks how he's doing & I always keep my answer short b/c I know my dad would like it if we didn't talk about him.

It's disturbing to think about somebody hating a toddler. Most of all my Vivi. Greatest little sister of all time.

Now I am asking myself if I want to keep up visitation or if I should try to talk to my mom first or what I should do. I started this as a boy who never had or knew about his real mom. After getting emotional permission from my dad & an ass ton of court proceedings later, we started bi weekly visitation. I wanted to know her. This elusive other half of my DNA. I'm not sure what I wanted to find & I'm still not sure.

My mom hasn't changed much over the years. She still forgets that I'm not four years old a lot. She's still extremely moody & sways like the wind blows. I call her mom for her sake. Not b/c it feels that way. I have humored her & tried my best for a lot of years to be a good son. I'll be 17 in August. By age 18 I'll be a legal adult & the courts won't be doing supervised visits anymore. At least I don't think so. The only thing they still enforce after age 18 is child support which my dad refused in court so it would all be my decision anyway. I know I've went back & forth on this before but what if I keep searching for something that I can't find? It's been years & the scarier shit is outweighing any benefit now that this involves Vivi.

Should I wait for that just to not involve the courts b/c it could get really messy? Or maybe it's smarter to involve the court b/c of mess control? If my mom does have something mentally wrong then maybe we'll need the court to help. 

& if something is wrong I'll probably never know what exactly b/c my mom doesn't like to talk about her health or fixing her health or being accused of even having a cold. But what does that mean about me? I don't think mental illness is genetic but some behaviors are. Maybe this is why I've been so damn tired lately. My brain hurts from thinking so hard about it all week.

What do u guys think? Be honest. I need the real feedback.


Justinator97's Profile Picture
United States
Just so u know, I don't draw or write stories. My way of art is dancing (mostly breakdancing, liquid dancing, popping, & hip hop), Korean martial arts, & modern self defense. I do a killer moonwalk & music is my life! I might add a photograph here or there that I take if I think it's cool. U know so I don't feel left out since everybody on here is so arty. I'm mostly here to look at everything u all do & talk more with my Aunt Mickey. (She's awesome.)

I'm not sure what else I should say here. I don't know what else they are going to ask me. Don't want to repeat stuff & make this bio annoying. I might come back to it later.

If u happen to be reading this and want me to add something just let me know.

DA Family

:icongaaras-girl-14: >>>> The best big sister a guy could ask for. :glomp:
:iconblackstarsshinetoo: >>>> My cute little sister :flirty:
:iconyamitay: >>>> My cool Cous! 8-)

Best DA Friends
:iconmaidofdarkness::iconemmodii: >>>> My irreplaceable besty of all bestys. :tighthug:
:iconsoulsold2rocknroll: >>>> One of a kind. :headbang:

:iconhefeigal: >>>> I joke that she's my super fan. Reads my journals for the hell of it & comments to make me feel interesting. ;P


There needs to be a house built before u can move in. But that's okay. We are talking now & we'll see where it goes. U might make that list yet. :)
Wed Feb 5, 2014, 11:31 PM
? u mean my list that I made? B/c u are on the friends icon thing that DA puts together & not everybody makes that cut either. But if u mean my list that I made, I have been talking to all of those people for more than a year.
Wed Feb 5, 2014, 11:29 PM
yay!! shouts!! hey how come im not up there with at least your best friend things??
Wed Feb 5, 2014, 5:29 PM
Shouting back at u Amber. :)
Mon Jan 13, 2014, 1:27 AM
im shouting out to my new friend
Sun Jan 12, 2014, 7:40 AM


:iconearthangel4545: :iconemmodii: :iconhefeigal: :iconangelemily: :iconsoulsold2rocknroll: :iconcamazing: :iconyamitay: :iconblackstarsshinetoo: :icongaaras-girl-14: :iconmaidofdarkness:


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SoulSold2RockNRoll Jan 17, 2014  Student Artist
Surprise surprise..  ;p  

(oh and I know it's like the middle of January..but hey, better later than never, yeah?.. ^^;)
A line from my personal book of 'crap people always say b/c it's very true'. Always better to be late than never. :D I'll go look right now. :)
SoulSold2RockNRoll Jan 18, 2014  Student Artist
Hah well it really is :)
Camazing Dec 24, 2013  Student Digital Artist
WOW! THANK YOU! I think I just got a 3 months membership from you 0_o
It's funny but I think I paid for it last year & u are just getting to use it now. Ironic how one gift seemed to cover 2 Christmases. :D
Camazing Dec 25, 2013  Student Digital Artist
OH lolz sorry, wrong person.
Hahah DA left month subscription in your name…but it was from another watcher. lulu

Merry Christmas any was ^^
Emmodii Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Whoa man! That wasn't necessary! But thank you I suppose? But hehehehe. Now you're a 24 months premium member. T'is the season to be jolly, I guess. u_u
& yeah I really wanted to do something special or personal like I always do with RL people but it's hard when it's online. U can't go out & start asking people personal stuff like exactly where they live. My dad wouldn't let me give that out so I shouldn't expect it from others. My aunt collects my online Christmas cards for me but not everybody has a person to do that for them.
Emmodii Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Pssssh. It's not necessary. I think just the thought counts so well-wishes are enough. Speaking of christmas gifts, I need to find time to draw something for this christmas. Problem is that I can't think of anything to draw. Ugh.
U mean for your friends? Why not ask them to name 5 things that they'd like to see u draw. U pick one & call it a present.
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